DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
The husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
"Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
________________________________________
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Sunday Funies; Volume 155.
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair done for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser," that's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."
A month later, the woman saw her hairdresser and asked her about her trip to Rome
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine was wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a five-million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, and the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Well actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who the f*** did your hair?"
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair done for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser," that's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."
A month later, the woman saw her hairdresser and asked her about her trip to Rome
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine was wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a five-million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, and the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Well actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who the f*** did your hair?"
The Kearns, Nutter antidote.
Sick of all of the crap coming from the Nutter Buddies?
I highly recommned your following this blog:
http://stmaryscitizen.com/
I highly recommned your following this blog:
http://stmaryscitizen.com/
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Some very sad and belated "news."
I had lunch at Aunt B's today. I've been cutting back on the frequency of my eating out for the last couple of months in an effort to shed some weight.
At the register, I overheard a conversation which led to my discovering that my friend, Cathy Gentry, co-owner of Aunt B's, had a serious cerebro-vasciular accident, or stroke, while working in the restaurant back on January 15th.
She was rushed to Shands and has been there ever since. I understand that they subsequently discovered that her right carotid artery was 100% blocked! I'm told she had a fairly large frontal lobe stroke in the restaurant, then another, smaller, occipital lobe stroke at the hospital. She has left side hemiparalysis, but her right side was unaffected.
The good news is that Shands has a renowned stroke program, headed by my neurologist, Dr. Scott Silliman, who is top notch.
Her dad told me she is now in the stroke rehab unit at Shands.
I'm sure all of her many friends and customers will be praying for her. While cards and letters will surely be appreciated, might I suggest that you also consider a couple of more trips to Aunt B's than usual and telling the cashier "This one's for Cathy."
Kudos to Janie and the whole staff for pitching in to fill the large gap.
At the register, I overheard a conversation which led to my discovering that my friend, Cathy Gentry, co-owner of Aunt B's, had a serious cerebro-vasciular accident, or stroke, while working in the restaurant back on January 15th.
She was rushed to Shands and has been there ever since. I understand that they subsequently discovered that her right carotid artery was 100% blocked! I'm told she had a fairly large frontal lobe stroke in the restaurant, then another, smaller, occipital lobe stroke at the hospital. She has left side hemiparalysis, but her right side was unaffected.
The good news is that Shands has a renowned stroke program, headed by my neurologist, Dr. Scott Silliman, who is top notch.
Her dad told me she is now in the stroke rehab unit at Shands.
I'm sure all of her many friends and customers will be praying for her. While cards and letters will surely be appreciated, might I suggest that you also consider a couple of more trips to Aunt B's than usual and telling the cashier "This one's for Cathy."
Kudos to Janie and the whole staff for pitching in to fill the large gap.
Now that is one hot chili pepper!
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-12505344
I use jalapenos, a mere "also ran" by comparison, in my World Famous* Jay's Killer Black Bean Chili.
* My housekeeper bragged about it so much at her recent family re-union in Glasgow, Scotland that the relatives insisted upon the recipe.
I use jalapenos, a mere "also ran" by comparison, in my World Famous* Jay's Killer Black Bean Chili.
* My housekeeper bragged about it so much at her recent family re-union in Glasgow, Scotland that the relatives insisted upon the recipe.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Sunday Funies; Volume 154.
Proof That The World Is Nuts
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there
Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what?
Well,.... Not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ???)
(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet..
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam !!!!!!
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there
Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what?
Well,.... Not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ???)
(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet..
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam !!!!!!
Friday, February 11, 2011
Who plowed the ground and planted the seed...
that will eventually lead to ubiquitous freedom and democracy and the death of Islamofacism throughout the Middle East?
As much as it will kill the world's lefties to admit it, the answer is incontrovertably President George W. Bush!
As much as it will kill the world's lefties to admit it, the answer is incontrovertably President George W. Bush!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Early voting: too long and costly.
http://jacksonville.com/news/georgia/2011-02-08/story/early-voting-too-long-too-costly-southeast-georgia-election-officials
I think that the five weekdays of the week prior to the actual election day should be perfectly adequate.
I think that the five weekdays of the week prior to the actual election day should be perfectly adequate.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Strike a blow for decency.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
The same scum who called for a boycott of Sheila's Hallmark, owned and operated by Sheila McNeill, during the Christmas season are at it again. They are calling for a Valentine's Day boycott. http://www.topix.com/forum/city/st-marys-ga/TL6D1957AAD8RJBDF
These are the same anonymous cowards who are constantly launching the most vile and vicious ad hominem attacks upon the honest, competent, and effective 5/7ths of our elected city officials in St. Marys.
You will recall that when they last called for a boycott, I asked the decent citizens of St. Marys to patronize Sheila's Hallmark to show these political terrorists that we will not countenance that kind of thing in St. Marys nor will we reward those behind it at the polls in November.
I am pleased to report that due to you gratifying response, in spite of the economic downturn and the call for a boycott by this vile scum, Sheila had 300 more customers than the previous Christmas season. Great job!
Let's show our gratitude for all that Sheila has done and continues to do for us by and drive a stake through the hearts of those sorry bastards by making your Valentine's purchases at Sheila's.
The same scum who called for a boycott of Sheila's Hallmark, owned and operated by Sheila McNeill, during the Christmas season are at it again. They are calling for a Valentine's Day boycott. http://www.topix.com/forum/city/st-marys-ga/TL6D1957AAD8RJBDF
These are the same anonymous cowards who are constantly launching the most vile and vicious ad hominem attacks upon the honest, competent, and effective 5/7ths of our elected city officials in St. Marys.
You will recall that when they last called for a boycott, I asked the decent citizens of St. Marys to patronize Sheila's Hallmark to show these political terrorists that we will not countenance that kind of thing in St. Marys nor will we reward those behind it at the polls in November.
I am pleased to report that due to you gratifying response, in spite of the economic downturn and the call for a boycott by this vile scum, Sheila had 300 more customers than the previous Christmas season. Great job!
Let's show our gratitude for all that Sheila has done and continues to do for us by and drive a stake through the hearts of those sorry bastards by making your Valentine's purchases at Sheila's.
Click on image to enlarge. You may need to click again.
As you can see from the receipt dated yesterday, I practice what I preach. And no, Sheila does not sell "Yankees." That's actually a brand of scented candles in jars. It's a welcome home present for my housekeeper who has been home in Glasgow for the last two weeks.
Sunday Funnies; Volume 153.
Three Ladies in a Sauna
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE
BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR..
WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM..
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID..........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT......I'M GETTING A FAX!!
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE
BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR..
WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM..
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID..........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT......I'M GETTING A FAX!!
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Can we grow shrimp in Camden County?
http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2011/02/04/foreman.nevada.shrimp.cnn?hpt=T2
It occurs to me that one advantage we would have would be ready access to natural salt water to pump into the tanks and the abiltiy to discharge waste water right back into the estuarine environment with no harm whatsoever.
It occurs to me that one advantage we would have would be ready access to natural salt water to pump into the tanks and the abiltiy to discharge waste water right back into the estuarine environment with no harm whatsoever.
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