Eight ostensibly wise Lilliputians grapple with the apparently insoluble procedural conundrum of hearing the ethics charges against the "Airport 4."

Yes, I was there for the 5 o'clock hearing at city hall. I stayed for an hour and 15 minutes of it then went grocery shopping. As I grow older, my tolerance for ineptitude wanes exponentially. As I left, I could tell that the ship of geniuses was hard aground. I left feeling rather like the AFLAC duck at the end of that encounter with Yogi Berra in the barber shop. I'll tell y'all about it tomorrow after a good night's sleep, breakfast ,and two strong cups of coffee. The only other "media" there was K-Bay. GTU and T&G opted for a more intellectually stimulating evening at home - perhaps watching a Three Stooges retrospective. Thursday morning at 0935 HRS. Correction: I stated that neither the GTU nor the T&G had reps at the whatever the hell that thing was. Jill Helton, T&G editor, informed me this morning that her reporter, Emily Heglund, was seated somewhere behind me in the audience rather than at her usual place at the press table. That would be because the committee had used the press table for their purposes. I'm sure there will be accurate coverage in Friday's T&G. Let me go get that second cup of coffee, then I'll come back and fill y'all in. 1018 HRS; Okay, here goes. The Board of Ethics members are Frank Drane, (Chairman), Doug Cooper, Jerry Lockhart, John Morrissey, Bob Nutter, Michael Perry , Jim Steele, and Doug Vaught. All were present, by count. I know former councilman Lockhart, Comrade Perry, Jim Steele, and Thug on sight. As to the others, I know which one was Drane because he was chairing it, but I have no idea which ones were Cooper, Nutter, and Morrissey. They made no effort to identify themselves to the dozen or so people in the audience. I know that Jim Stein was present. The mayor, Rowland Eskridge was there. Rindy Howell was there. Unfortunately, on my way out, I was too attentive to navigating the narrow passageway without barking anyone's shins (with my high-torque power wheelchair) to notice who else was there. As I stated previously, I was the first one to arrive in the council chambers at 1630 HRS. I was seated on the front row. When the chairman, Frank Drane, arrived, there was a stuffed-to-bursting #10 envelope addressed to Ethics Committee, % city hall, waiting for him. Shortly after his arrival, City Clerk Darlene Roellig came in and offered to record the meeting( i.e., video). Drane wanted no part of that. She pointed out the three radio microphones linked to the room's PA system. They did not use those, either. Obviously, they did not give a damn about the fact that the folks behind me were no doubt straining to hear as I had to really concentrate even in the front row. Thug was the last to arrive a few minutes after the designated starting time. He explained that he and B. "Delta Dawn" Ryan had just finished putting the latest edition of her magazine together. All of the members were dressed quite casually. Comrade Perry had on a shirt and tie, Eddie Bauer khakis, the summer, straw version of his lawyerly trademark fedora, and high-end, perforated leather sandals, sans socks. Thug of course showed up with his patented graying, narcissistic, Lothario look: cotton shirt hanging out over khaki cargo shorts and canvas sandals sans socks, the better to showcase his varicose veins and cruddy looking feet in dire need of a serious Pedegg rasping. One of the unknowns also showed up sans socks and wearing flip flops. Loads of gravitas. The meeting started at about 1704 HRS. It was pathetic right from the get go. Very early on, Comrade Perry, who is apparently the one member who is appointed by the local bar association ( though he serves as a regular member of the board, and NOT as the board's attorney) made it clear that the board would not tolerate any input of any kind from the public in general, and attorney Jim Stein, in particular. Jim was there on the clock representing the interests of two of the now THREE complainants in the matter of "The Airport Four." Perry made a motion to that effect, followed by 20 minutes of feckless debate on the merits of the motion, including a suggestion by Thug that it be amended to allow comments from the public so long as it was clearly understood that under no circumstances would any member of the board comment on any public comment or answer any questions from the public. At long last, it mercifully died for lack of a second after the guy who had originally seconded Perry's motion thought better of it and withdrew his second. Then Jim Steele put forward a motion which essentially said that members of the public could comment only if invited to on an individual basis by the chair and then only if the matter they wished to address was on the agenda. I should also note that the unknown member who was acting as the recording secretary was trying to draft written versions of the motions and read them back - as he was asked to do about a dozen times as the "debate" dragged on. The poor guy was really trying, but I suspect the only thing he can draft well is a beer. The wording he came up with was consistently pathetically amateurish and consistently failed to actually state exactly what the original intent of the author of the motion had been. Finally, all agreed that the wording was not really up to snuff, but that they would vote on it and revise it later. An interesting concept, eh? They finally adopted Steele's motion, 5 to 3, much to Comrade Perry's consternation. He wanted no public utterances of any kind - period. His ally in the effort, Jerry Lockhart, pointed out that state law did not require them to hear word one from the public. He noted as an aside that that also applied to city council meetings. The granting of audience to the public by that body was a mere "courtesy" not required by law. I'm guessing that Jerry does not plan to run again. Finally, at 1815 HRS, I had had all I could stand and left. I'm sure that if anything more interesting happened in my absence - which I seriously doubt - Emily Heglund will fill y'all in in Friday's T&G. In the meantime, here is what you need to know. It turns out that the city ordinance establishing the Board of Ethics says that each elected councilman will get to appoint a member. Then, it goes on to say that in the event that the board is considering an ethics complaint against an elected official of St. Marys - their only function - the board member appointed by that official must recuse themselves from any participation whatsoever in the consideration of that complaint. Now to the matter at hand. There are 4 councilmen accused. Ergo, their four appointees might as well not exist. They are banned 100% from participation. However, the board's procedures call for only a three man investigating committee to do the investigation them report back to the full board who would then vote on a recommendation. Said recommendation would then be given to the city council which would vote on whether or not to censure the offending member of that body. Still with me? Okay, so they had three unrecused members of the Board of Ethics, Comrade Perry, Thug, and Steele, who could investigate. It wasn't too long after they came to that conclusion that they realized that once the committee of three reported back to the whole board, the board could not vote on it because with four mandatory recusals, they could not reach a quorum of five required for any official vote. Still with me? It gets better. Even if they could they would then turn their findings over to the city council. On council, a motion needs four votes to pass. There is, of course, not a ghost-of-a-chance that the four accused violators of the Open Meetings Act will vote to censure themselves. Hence, it is an insoluble conundrum. And so goes life in Lilliput By The Sea - the quaint little town that couldn't.