Some resolutions you may not have thought of but perhaps should.

This was first published as a letter-to-the-editor, appearing in the Wednesday, 1/5/11 edition of the Tribune and Georgian.


Dear Editor,


In the event that some of your readers have procrastinated with their New Year’s resolutions, let me offer some from which they may chose as might be appropriate.

Resolved: I will never again smoke a tobacco product within 50 feet of the entrance to any public building or commercial establishment, thereby rudely forcing others to pass through my obnoxious second-hand smoke.

Resolved: I will never again park my car in a disabled space unless the actually disabled person to whom the permit was actually issued is actually, physically present in the car, as required by state law.

Resolved: Even if otherwise qualified for disabled parking, I will never park in a space marked “van accessible” unless I am actually driving a van that is actually equipped with a side wheelchair lift or ramp.

Resolved: When patronizing a buffet restaurant, if I get a little food on my fingers in the serving process, I will not plunge them down to my tonsils then pick up the next serving spoon with my spitty fingers.

Resolved: When I am grocery shopping, I will not pull my groaning, over-loaded cart into the express line that is clearly marked “20 items or less.” Alternative resolution: If I do, I will have the chutzpah to turn to the rest of you schmucks and declare, “Yes, I know it’s way over 20, but let’s face it – my time is way more important than y’alls!”

Resolved: If I am paying with WIC vouchers or plan on running a dozen credit cards in hopes of finding one with an available balance on it, I will have the courtesy not to do it in the express check-out lane.

Resolved: If I have never been in a fast food restaurant before, I will hang back, study the menu, and take a decision before I get into line and reach the register.

And finally,

Resolved: If I am picking up my prescriptions at the big box store, I will not chat for 20 minutes with the amiable but clueless clerk, totally oblivious to the fact that the line has backed up all the way to sporting goods.

Happy New Year!

Jay Moreno

Here's what made me think of adding this to my blog this afternoon. I arrived at Walmart a little after 3:00 P.M. today.

Naturally, all of the parking places clearly marked "van accessible" were occupied by regular vehicles.
After circling twice, I saw a couple approach a car parked in my favorite such spot just in front of the east door. I pulled for to the right and waited while motioning cars to come on around me. The two affluent looking Cauco-American septuagenarians were sporting Florida tags. They had two carts overflowing with groceries. It took the trunk and all of the back seat to fit them in. Given the sloth-like pace and the care with which they were loading them into the car, you would have thought at each plastic bag contained a Faberge egg. So, after about 12 minutes waiting on them, I got parked.

I quickly picked up my three items and headed to register 12, the cruelly named "express line."
Of course, just as I pulled up to the end of the line of six customers, I noticed that the young couple at the register (a Cauco-American couple for you racially obsessed critics) were making a number of purchases with WIC vouchers.

Well, about twenty minutes later, I finally left the register behind and headed for the front door. Just as I exited the automatic front door, a scrawny, druggie looking Cauco-American gal in her early twenties exhaled a huge cloud of cigarette smoke which the wind blew right into my face and straight up my nose.

Of course, by the time I got out of the lot, my sinuses had slammed shut and my headache was well on it's way. When I got home, I had to take pseudo ephedrine and acetaminophen and wait thirty minutes. By then, I of course had to re-heat my Chinese take out in the microwave.

My point is that every damned one of the "resolutions" I offered in my letter are based upon experiences I have every week, without fail. Hopefully, some of the offending louts will take them to heart, but I'm not counting on it.