Sunday Funnies; Volume 177.

Humorous Quotations



To bookmark this page, you may use the following URL:

http://smiley963.tripod.com/humorous.html







--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



***NEW*** 12/01/02

"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner."

---Ben Bergor



07/12/02

"Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated."

---Garry Trudeau



03/09/02

"Have no fear of perfection--you'll never reach it."

---Salvador Dali



03/09/02

"I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments."

---Jim Morrison



03/09/02

"I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships."

---Gilda Radner



03/09/02

"Women are like cell phones. They like to be held and talked to, but push the wrong button, and you'll be disconnected."

---Unknown



11/30/01

"People like you are the reason people like me take pills!"

---Neva Faith Linn



11/30/01

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'"

---Unknown



07/31/01

"Anyone seen in a bus over the age of 30 has been a failure in life."

---Loelia, Duchess of Westminster



07/31/01

"There are two different kinds of people in this world: those who finish what they start, and"

---Brad Ramsey



06/29/01

"Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"

---Mae West



06/29/01

"I don't at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited."

---Oscar Wilde



06/29/01

"Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls."

---Groucho Marx



06/29/01

"Life was so much easier when your clothes didn't match and boys had cooties!"

---Unknown



05/31/01

"Our childhood is what we spend the rest of our lives overcoming."

---Amy Bennett



05/31/01

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

---Oscar Wilde



05/31/01

"A cousin of mine who was a casualty surgeon in Manhattan tells me that he and his colleagues had a one-word nickname for bikers: Donors. Rather chilling."

---Stephen Fry



05/31/01

"A hard man is good to find."

---Mae West



05/31/01

"Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot."

---Dick Gregory



04/30/01

"A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married."

---H.L. Mencken



04/30/01

"I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things."

---Alan Coren



04/30/01

"I suppose we all have our recollections of our earlier holidays, all bristling with horror."

---Flann O'Brien



04/30/01

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

---Groucho Marx



04/30/01

"No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not."

---H.L. Mencken



04/30/01

"The concerts you enjoy together/ Neighbors you annoy together/ Children you destroy together,/ That keep marriage in tact."

---Stephen Sondheim



03/30/01

"The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy."

---Unknown



03/30/01

"Reality is a hallucination brought on by lack of alcohol."

---Unknown



03/30/01

"Love makes the world go round? Not at all. Whiskey makes it go round twice as fast."

---Compton Mackenzie



03/30/01

"I guess a drag queen's like an oil painting: You gotta stand back from it to get the full effect."

---Harvey Fierstein



03/30/01

"He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie."

---Neil Simon



03/30/01

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."

---Dean Martin



03/30/01

"Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."

---Fran Lebowitz