Sunday Funnies; Volume 64

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.The next year, he didn't buy her a gift..When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"And that's how the fight started.....************************************************************************My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?"I replied "Dust".And that's how the fight started.....************************************************************************A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's absolutely perfect.'And that's how the fight started.....************************************************************************My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.I bought her a set of scales.And that's how the fight started.....************************************************************************I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'And that's when the fight started....************************************************************************My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?''No,' she answered.I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'And that's when the fight started....************************************************************************I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of beer for $19.95.Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.And that's when the fight started..... ********************************************************************************I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?''Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's when the fight started..... ********************************************************************************** Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up my fishing boat up to my 4x4 and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage , turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"And that's how the fight started...---------------------------------------------------------------------------------I bumped into a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"So, I looked down at him and said, "Well then, which one are you?"And then the fight started.....------------------------------------------------------------------------------After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security applicationWhen I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.She said, 'You should have dropped your trousers. You might have gotten disability, too.'And then the fight started...