DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
The husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
"Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
________________________________________
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Sunday Funies; Volume 155.
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair done for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser," that's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."
A month later, the woman saw her hairdresser and asked her about her trip to Rome
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine was wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a five-million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, and the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Well actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who the f*** did your hair?"
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair done for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser," that's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."
A month later, the woman saw her hairdresser and asked her about her trip to Rome
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine was wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a five-million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, and the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Well actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who the f*** did your hair?"
The Kearns, Nutter antidote.
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Saturday, February 19, 2011
Some very sad and belated "news."
I had lunch at Aunt B's today. I've been cutting back on the frequency of my eating out for the last couple of months in an effort to shed some weight.
At the register, I overheard a conversation which led to my discovering that my friend, Cathy Gentry, co-owner of Aunt B's, had a serious cerebro-vasciular accident, or stroke, while working in the restaurant back on January 15th.
She was rushed to Shands and has been there ever since. I understand that they subsequently discovered that her right carotid artery was 100% blocked! I'm told she had a fairly large frontal lobe stroke in the restaurant, then another, smaller, occipital lobe stroke at the hospital. She has left side hemiparalysis, but her right side was unaffected.
The good news is that Shands has a renowned stroke program, headed by my neurologist, Dr. Scott Silliman, who is top notch.
Her dad told me she is now in the stroke rehab unit at Shands.
I'm sure all of her many friends and customers will be praying for her. While cards and letters will surely be appreciated, might I suggest that you also consider a couple of more trips to Aunt B's than usual and telling the cashier "This one's for Cathy."
Kudos to Janie and the whole staff for pitching in to fill the large gap.
At the register, I overheard a conversation which led to my discovering that my friend, Cathy Gentry, co-owner of Aunt B's, had a serious cerebro-vasciular accident, or stroke, while working in the restaurant back on January 15th.
She was rushed to Shands and has been there ever since. I understand that they subsequently discovered that her right carotid artery was 100% blocked! I'm told she had a fairly large frontal lobe stroke in the restaurant, then another, smaller, occipital lobe stroke at the hospital. She has left side hemiparalysis, but her right side was unaffected.
The good news is that Shands has a renowned stroke program, headed by my neurologist, Dr. Scott Silliman, who is top notch.
Her dad told me she is now in the stroke rehab unit at Shands.
I'm sure all of her many friends and customers will be praying for her. While cards and letters will surely be appreciated, might I suggest that you also consider a couple of more trips to Aunt B's than usual and telling the cashier "This one's for Cathy."
Kudos to Janie and the whole staff for pitching in to fill the large gap.
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