Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Another case from the "Oh, but MY pitbull would never do that!" files.

http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/04/26/us-dog-mauling-idUSTRE73P05M20110426

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Sunday Funnies; Volume 164

Understanding Engineers #1




Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."



Understanding Engineers #2



To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.



Understanding Engineers #3



A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us?

They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen.

They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,

so we let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them."

The ophthalmologist added, "Good idea. And maybe I could examine

them to see if there's anything I can do for them."

They were silent for a moment.

Then the engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"





Understanding Engineers #4



What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons.

Civil engineers build targets.



Understanding Engineers #5



The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"



Understanding Engineers #6



Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.

Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.

The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.

Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline adjacent to a recreational area?"





Understanding Engineers #7



Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.





Understanding Engineers #8



An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm a busy engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog, now that's cool!"

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Some good driver safety tips!

Thank you, Mr. Drury, for passing these on. I always wear sunglasses so I knew about that but not the business about cruise control and hydroplaning.


GOOD VISION IN A DOWNPOUR




How to achieve good vision while driving during a heavy downpour.

We are not sure why it is so effective; just try this method when it rains heavily. This method was told by a Police friend who had experienced and confirmed it. It is useful....even driving at night.

Most of the motorists would turn on HIGH or FASTEST SPEED of the wipers during heavy downpour, yet the visibility in front of the windshield is still bad......

In the event you face such a situation, just try your SUN GLASSES (any model will do), and miracle! All of a sudden, your visibility in front of your windshield is perfectly clear, as if there is no rain.

Make sure you always have a pair of SUN GLASSES in your car, as you are not only helping yourself to drive safely with good vision, but also might save your friend's life by giving him this idea..

Try it yourself and share it with your friends! Amazing, you still see the drops on the windshield, but not the sheet of rain falling.

You can see where the rain bounces off the road. It works to eliminate the "blindness" from passing semi's spraying you too.

Or the "kickup" if you are following a semi or car in the rain. They ought to teach that little tip in driver's training. It really does work..

This warning is a good one! I wonder how many people know about this~

A 36 year old female had an accident several weeks ago and totaled her car. A resident of Kilgore, Texas she was traveling between Gladewater & Kilgore. It was raining, though not excessively, when her car suddenly began to hydro-plane and literally flew through the air. She was not seriously injured but very stunned at the sudden occurrence!

When she explained to the highway patrolman what had happened he told her something that every driver should know - NEVER DRIVE IN THE RAIN WITH YOUR CRUISE CONTROL ON . She thought she was being cautious by setting the cruise control and maintaining a safe consistent speed in the rain. But the highway patrolman told her that if the cruise control is on when your car begins to hydro-plane and your tires lose contact with the pavement,

Your car will accelerate to a higher rate of speed making you take off

Like an airplane. She told the patrolman that was exactly what had occurred..

The patrolman said this warning should be listed, on the driver's seat

Sun-visor - NEVER USETHE CRUISE CONTROL WHEN

THE PAVEMENT IS WET OR ICY, along with the airbag warning. We tell our teenagers to set the cruise control and drive a safe speed - but we don't tell them to use the cruise control only when the pavement is dry.

The only person the accident victim found, who knew this (besides the patrolman), was a man who had a similar accident, totaled his car and sustained severe injuries.

NOTE: Some vehicles (like the Toyota Sienna Limited XLE) will not allow you to set the cruise control when the windshield wipers are on. If you send this to 15 people and only one of them doesn't know about this, then it was all worth it.. You might have saved a life

Sunday Funnies; Volume 163

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,



"Hello."



"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.

When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...

We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.

Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.

We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once.."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.

If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Sunday Funnies; Volume 162.

I've always wondered this myself... and now I know !!

People born before 1946 were called The Silent Generation.

The Baby Boomers are those born between 1947 and 1959.

Generation X people have been born between 1960 and 1979.

Generation Y were born between 1980 and 2010

Why do we call the last group Generation Y ?

I always thought it was because they say....

Y should I get a job ?

Y should I leave home and find my own place ?

Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours ?

Y should I clean my room ?

Y should I wash and iron my own clothes ?

Y should I buy any food ?

Friday, April 8, 2011

Coming soon to a rag-headed jihadi near you: a GPS guided 120mm mortar round!

http://www.foxnews.com/scitech/2011/04/08/army-deploys-gps-guided-mortars/

Original letter vs. published letter-to-editor.

Original:

Dear Editor,




This is an open letter to the mayor and the ethical and efficacious four city councilmen of the City of St. Marys.



Lady and Gentlemen,



Congratulations on your fully expected, total exoneration by the grand jury of all of the specious, politically motivated charges lodged by Bob Nutter,

Alex Kearns, Jo Beth (Mrs. Greg) Bird, and Dick Russell with the full collusion and support of a collection of local loons who are known variously to the saner citizenry as the “Nutter Gang,” the “Nutty Buddies,” the “Commie-Lib Eco-Loons,” etc.



Mr. Mayor, I applaud your announced intention to pursue legal action against this group of would-be anarchists to recover some of the estimated $10,000 or more they have cost the city in defending against their malign calumnies. It’s a start. However, it is only a start and nowhere near an adequate response.



I’m sure that many citizens will endorse the following recommendations for additional actions against the Nutter Gang.



1. Immediately purge all city committees and boards of all known and suspected members of the Nutty Gang.

2. Afford renegade Councilmen Bird and Howell only the bare minimum consideration that the law and Roberts’ Rules of Order afford them. Otherwise, ignore them and proceed with city business.

3. When Nutter, Kearns, et al, act out in council meetings, ignore them totally for their allotted five minutes then move on with the city’s business without responding in any way.

4. Vote to cancel (irrevocably) the hotel/motel or so called “bed tax.” The receipt of the bed tax is of course, the raison d’ĂȘtre for the nettlesome, blood-sucking CVB. Without it, they will soon wither and die. Good riddance. The other 99% of us did not take the DMA to raise.

5. Cancel the recycling program. It is an unnecessary waste of money. We have adequate landfill space at the current landfill for several more centuries!

6. Have the political courage to stop the cozy relationship with the St. Marys Earthkeepers with its implied city endorsement of their activities. Clearly, they have bitten off the hand that fed them.

7. Give Earthkeepers president, Alex Kearns, 30 days to get her gazebo and bricks off of city property.



Lady and Gentlemen, if the Nutter Gang and their ilk want to play hardball, then by all means show them how it is done.

The true majority will stand up and cheer when you do.



Jay Moreno

St. Marys, GA

Here's the letter actually published after several revisions by me at editor's insistence:

Grand jury


got it right

Dear Editor,

I wish to congratulate the

mayor and the four ethical

and efficacious councilpersons

of St. Marys on their

fully expected, total exoneration

by the grand jury of all

of the specious, politically

motivated charges lodged by

Bob Nutter, Alex Kearns, Jo

Beth — Mrs. Greg — Bird

and Dick Russell with the

full collusion and support of

a collection of others.

I applaud Mayor Bill De-

Loughy’s announced intention

to pursue legal action

against this group’s reckless,

disgruntled citizens to recover

some of the estimated

$10,000 or more they have

cost the city in defending

against their accusations. It’s

a start.

However, it is only a start

and nowhere near an adequate

response.

While we unfortunately

cannot deal with the failed

coup plotters as Peter the

Great once famously did,

I’m sure that many citizens

will endorse the following

recommendations for additional

actions against the

coup plotters.

Immediately purge all

city committees and boards

of all known members of the

attempted coup, such as Bob

Nutter and Alex Kearns, as

well as all suspected members.

Afford renegade councilmen

Greg Bird and Sidney

Howell only the bare

minimum consideration that

the law and Robert’s Rules of

Order afford them. Otherwise,

ignore them and proceed

with city business.

When Bob Nutter, Alex

Kearns, et al., act out in

council meetings, ignore

them totally for their allotted

five minutes then move on

with the city’s business without

responding in any way.

• Vote to cancel — irrevocably

— the hotel/motel or

so-called “bed tax.” The receipt

of the bed tax is of

course, the raison d’ĂȘtre for

the nettlesome, blood-sucking

convention and visitors

bureau. Without it, they will

soon wither and die. Good

riddance.

• Cancel the recycling

program. It is an unnecessary

waste of money. We have adequate

landfill space at the

current landfill for several

more centuries.

• Have the political

courage to stop the cozy relationship

with the St. Marys

EarthKeepers with its implied

city endorsement of

their activities. Clearly, they

have bitten off the hand that

fed them.

• Remove the gazebo and

bricks donated by Earth-

Keepers president Alex

Kearns to the city from the

property next to Oak Grove

Cemetery.

Lady and gentlemen, if the

attempted coup leaders and

their ilk want to play hardball,

then by all means show

them how it is done. The

true majority will stand up

and cheer when you do.

Jay Moreno

St. Marys

World's eco-loons are adding to world hunger.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/07/science/earth/07cassava.html?_r=2&hp

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Sunday Funnies; Volume 161.

John Cleese on Terrorism:




The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated," or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since “The Blitz” in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.


The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.


John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person