Sunday Funnies; Volume 102

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink. He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!' Paddy handed his drink back and said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!' Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?' Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your bloody plane!!! Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on.' Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?' 'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole bloody bed by the looks of it!' Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common? A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one! Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap! Paddy's chat up lines: 1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away! 2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special! 3.. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in! 4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them! 5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up! 6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away! Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.. He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?' Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!' Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!' Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!' Paddy says 'Whats his name?' Mick replies 'Miles from London !' An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick twits like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the s..t out of you if I could swim!